Born of parents who -- fearing the imminent demise of their own planet -- placed the infant in a capsule and projected him into the Cosmos, Dan Post landed in a field in Smalltown in the mid 1950s. Danís capsule was discovered by a migrant family as they were leaving the Kent farm to winter in New Jersey. His capsule was emptied to make room for a can of beer, and his blankets were used to ease the birthing pains of a mongrel dog in the back of the pickup truck.
Dan was left naked in the arms of his surrogate mother, 12-year-old Yolanda, partly because she showed an uncanny instinct for mothering and a maturity beyond her years, and partly as a replacement for the Barbi doll her brother Russell had quartered on a night of particular cruelty.
Unlike his more famous predecessor from the planet Krypton, Dan was not strengthened by our yellow sun. Instead it left him weak and ill and covered in boils. Fortunately his sickly condition dissuaded the usually cruel Russell from picking on him. There was no joy in mutilating something that might ooze back.
Danís unwieldy manner, girly strength, and hairy boils convinced Yolanda that her baby boy was doomed to geekdom. What she didnít know was that geeks had begun converging on Seattle -Ė a place where the yellow sun very seldom shone. Soon they would rise to rule the world.
In high school Dan marked himself as a leader, but not in the usual way by leading the football team to victory. Rather he tacked a large yellow "L" on his forehead and used a pocket protector full of the latest in ball point pens and a nifty slide-rule. Forced into the adult world by a cruel early graduation, Dan was made to choose between the family fruit-picking business or life in a high-tech world with an office, telephone, a pool of secretaries, extensive world-wide travel, and other company perks. A Newtonian fall from a fruit tree helped him decide.
In spite of the protestations of clergy from several denominations Dan did eventually marry and procreate, inspiring a series of end-of-the-world films such as The Exorcist, The Omen, and Oh God!-II.
Meanwhile, in a tiny burg in the Pacific Northwest, a gangly female child was growing into adolescence at the rate of 21 pounds a year, with no relief in sight. Finding her mantra in the old line "Any job where you can sit down all day is a GOOD job," LauraMaery Gold determined early on that she would be "a person who doesn't have to stand" when she grew up. Unfortunately, her plan was spoiled by the unexpected birth of many children. So she settled instead for a life overseas editing and writing for a series of computer magazines.
Somewhere in his thirties Dan decided it was time to put pen to paper. (Perhaps because of all the ink on his fingers he found it unavoidable.) Whatever the reason Dan started to write. And things stayed as they were until he crashed into LauraMaery in the small corner of cyberspace where she hid at nights from her children.
LauraMaery delighted in Danís original tales. He read her his New Jersey Yankee in King Arthurís Court, Alicyn in Wonderland, The World According to Garf and many other "original" things he hoped werenít available in her part of the world.
Today they live in a house by the shore. It has 35 rooms and a flashing neon sign that says Vacancy. There they live with most of their children, who go by at least 12 different names and none of whom, Dan swears to LauraMaery, pays a penny in rent.
Copyright: 1996-2000, Dan Post
Goes No Place, Does Nothing